i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
