One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
