My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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