Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
