My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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