MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
