she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
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