I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
