Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this boner is exhausting
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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