Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
