Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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