Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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