Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
