Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
