I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
