I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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