When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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