i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
