I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
