I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
