Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
