I looked at my own cervix.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
