I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
