Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
