I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
