If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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