I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
