I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Vodka?
Forever.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
