Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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