why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Randomize
