Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
