Even the bartender felt bad for me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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