Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
