I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
