Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
