I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
