I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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