WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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