oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
