you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
