I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
