Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
