I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
