I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
