Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
