Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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