I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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