My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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