there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
