I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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