If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
