we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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