fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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