So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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