If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
