Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
